Neither of us, because Jeremy won. Let me set the stage. I like to put people I know into my books. I borrow the names. Usually the character has nothing to do with actual person. But that can’t be said about Poker Player Ray. There were two Rays in The Trained Ghost Gimmick. That’s the book so many of you have declined to read in favor of this blog, but that’s OK. I have an audio-book, and video-book in production as we speak or read and write. The first Ray works at Strikers Bowling Alley. I named a character Raymond Ray who was nicknamed Ray Ray in my book. Now, whenever Ray at Strikers sees me, he acts really busy, so I won’t talk to him. But Poker Player Ray didn’t have that choice on April fools Day at the Pensacola Greyhound Track, because we were in the same tournament.
To know me is to feel like running away. However, if you work at the bowling alley, play in bowling leagues, or poker tournaments at the dog track, you become my captive audience. I haven’t been kicked out of a place for being snarky, because I don’t use obscenities, though many are trying to find a way to eliminate the prospect of interacting with me. Some of my captives have resorted to ear plugs, others restraining orders, and one missus from Mississippi tried to have me institutionalized, claiming I have dementia. Many have grown weary of that story, but I play into the story, so that my opponents conclude I don’t know how to play. Back to Poker Player Ray, who I listed in my insulting endorsements section, which included numerous insults I attributed to people in my book, plus a few others, I joked that he said, “I sat next to Mark in a poker tournament. He wouldn’t stop talking about his stupid book. I had to knock out of the tournament just to shut him up! Any claim that he’s an accomplished poker player is pure fiction just like his trained ghosts.”
The reality is that he did knock me out of the tournament. He had sat next to me at the table from the beginning, and I did speak incessantly about my ghost comedy, but later, we were at the final table. He was ever so thankful that we were at opposite ends of the table. I moved all in a few places out of the money expecting him to fold. I had a Q-J of diamonds with a flop showing 2 diamonds. He called with his Ace-King also of diamonds, and knocked me out of the tournament, so I put him in my book.
On this particular Wednesday, April the 1st, we were once again at the final table. I think they were only paying 6 places. The blinds were 2,000-2,000-1,000, and Ray was nursing a small stack. When I get to table, the first thing I do is look for who is unlikely to survive the round of blinds. It was 5,000 per round. I had around 60,000, and Ray had less that 10,000. I liked my chances to outlast Ray. I joked that I wanted to outlast my soup, which I had just ordered. Ray and I both outlasted my soup, as he survived few all-ins, and we were both in the money. There was a classy lady, at the final table named Karen. I have an ex-missus from Massachusetts also named Karen. Once we were in the money, I was a little more willing to gamble. Thus, I moved all-in against Karen with a small flush draw in diamonds with two diamonds on the flop. She called and I hit my flush. It was that kind of day. To my left was Dwight. He was a nice guy who used to compete in judo. I asked him if he was going to kick my butt if I knocked him out of the tournament. He declined to issue that threat, because he decided he was too old to fight at around my age, but I had survived a stroke, so I didn’t offer much of a deterrent. I moved in with a suited Ace-Queen, and he called with Ace-King. I asked for a Queen, and I got it. We were down to 4 handed. A very nice guy named Lucas had nursed his small stack from my first table into the top 4, surviving several all-ins. 4 handed, he had the small stack. I think the blinds were 8,000-8,000-4,000, so he didn’t survive his blinds. Now, we were 3 handed with poker play Ray, Jeremy, and myself remaining. I relished the idea of getting payback for Ray’s insulting endorsement, but he didn’t really say that about me, though I suspect he thought as much. That was just me trying to be comical. The Trained Ghost gimmick also has a character name Jeremy. In the book, Jeremy joked that he was a shade-tree mechanic who also tried his hand at being a shade-tree gynecologist. This Jeremy is a marine veteran jet mechanic, so I asked him if he was a shade tree jet mechanic. He remarked that they didn’t have shade trees in the desert. Having faced multiple opponents who could kill me with their bare hands, I proposed a cease-fire. So, we made a deal. Thus, in the rematch between Poker Player Ray, and myself, when asked who won, I boldly say neither of us. Jeremy had the most chips. Poker Player Ray, who refuses to give me his real name, finished second, and I finished third. Jeremy earned it. He had to listen to me for the whole tournament since he was just two seats to my left at the beginning. We had our battles, but he prevailed. Ray and I shared the remainder of the prize money after Jeremy received his first-place share. Ray and I each received $734.
Soon after our tournament ended, the ladies tournament was about to begin. Many of us asked, “What if I identify as a woman?”
However, I asked, “What if I identify as a man looking to date one of these women?”
I was informed by Kinzie the tournament director, “Mark, 17 out of 4 ex-wives surveyed say they hate themselves for loving you. You best not run these ladies off. We can’t have you hurting our business like that.”