I first met the psycho-killer in a poker tournament in late January of this year 2026 at the Pensacola Greyhound Track and Poker Room. She was a good poker player with a deceptively pleasant personality. I actually eliminated her that Winter day, which knocked us down to 4 players. We were all in the money including the psycho-killer, so we decided to to chop up the remaining prize money. We counted up everyone’s stack of chips, and, by virtue taking out Alice Collins, who would later earn the nickname of psycho-killer, I was the chip-leader, and declared the winner.
In February some time on a Friday night, we would get down to the end of a tournament that we would chop, only this time the winner would be her husband Phil Collins who had a gigantic stack of chips. We gave Phil the first place money while the rest of us split up the remaining prize money. It was after midnight, and we didn’t feel like playing it out. I like Phil and Alice. They are both friendly. Phil is playfully obnoxious, and,when he walks past my seat at a table he will nudge me. I’m cool with that, but I have seen him rub the occasional player the wrong way and exchange some banter.
Alice eliminated me from a satellite one time when I took pocket 10’s into her blind and she re-raised all-in with her pocket Aces. I called and she killed me. As I considered my play, I realized how stupid I was to not fold my tens, because in a satellite, all you have to do is survive to get a seat at the 50K guaranteed tournament that is being held in May of 26. Looking back on her play, I don’t think she moves all in with anything less than aces. I learned from my mistake, and went on to win 2 seats in the 50K.
In other tournaments between March and mid-May, I noticed that Alice had this nasty habit of eliminating other men from various events. She was a merciless slayer of men’s stacks of chips. I went so far as to nickname her the Psycho-killer. Psycho-killer is the name of a song by the Talking heads. My band, the Cemetery Surfers, which has a few videos on www.markburtman.com , and is talked about in my book, The trained Ghost Gimmick, used to play the song in certain shows. In fact, when I called Alice the Psych-killer. I would occasionally sing the refrain to her, but my karaoke intro was always, “The more you drink, the better I sound.”
Hence, I didn’t sing that song too much, for fear of generating complaints and being banned from the Greyhound Track. But I might on occasion sing ‘Psycho Killer Qu’est-ce que c’est? Fa-fa-fa-fa, fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa Run, run, run, run, run, run, run away’ Upon singing that refrain, everyone would call me by my new nickname, Shut up Mark. Of course, Alice would politely smile and blush a little, because busting boys out of tournaments made her happy.
One time, after not seeing Alice and Phil for nearly a week, I saw them entering our tournament. At the first break, I went up to her to inform her that she had overtaken me in points toward player of the year. I showed her the book where stats were kept that revealed her leading me by 1 point. I said, “Well, you earned it, Psycho-killer!”
When I go bowling, I often tell people I won’t play them for money, but in poker we keep score with money, so I can’t offer that comment to Alice Collins. Another intimidating fact is that my current missus from Mississippi is named Allison and she tried to accuse me of having dementia, because I tell bad jokes, so, I escaped that state, and it wasn’t the state of confusion like she claimed. Alice’s and Allison’s names are too close for comfort, a fact that I have shared with Mrs. Collins.
So, the day finally arrived. It was May 12th, 2026. Alice drew seat 1 and I drew seat 4 at table 17. That placed us eye to eye for the early stages of the tournament. The blinds were 50-100 and I saw pocket Aces in early position. I raised it to 250 while Alice had the large blind. The 6 seat called and so did Alice. The flop 3-3-Queen. I bet 1,000. We started with 10,000 in chips, and I was down around 7,500 in chips having previously shown a few bluffs. I expected to get some calls with my loose table image. I got two calls. When the turn added a King, I moved all-in and got 2 calls then as well. The 6 seat had King-Queen, which were beat by my Aces and 3’s. That’s when the Psycho-killer committed mass murder. She turned over a 6-3 suited. I didn’t sing the song. Instead I shrieked, “Psycho-Killer, you kilt me!”
“I was in the blind, and they were suited,” she tried to explain, as she pried the knife out of my lifeless corpse.
“Seat open,” shouted Alex, the dealer, so that Kinzie, who won’t read my articles or buy my book, but doesn’t hesitate to use my nickname of Shut up Mark, could register the fact that I was a dead man walking toward her tournament director’s counter. I never blame the dealer when I lose a hand, but I do blame a psycho-killer for playing a 6-3, even if it was suited. OK, so, I did crack Aces once with a suited 6-2 from the blind a few months a ago with a much higher blind earning the nickname, Snarky Mark, in the process. So, what if I’m a Snarky hypocrite. It’s different when you’re on the losing end of the proposition. Kinzie and her staff of tormentors suggested that I didn’t raise enough. The blinds were 50-100. When I get Aces, I don’t want to just steal the blinds. The reason I show my bluffs with a 5 high is so that I get called when I have a real hand. When I declare I have 5 high. I’m advertising. That’s marketing. Sometimes I will run into a Psycho-killer and be her victim, which goes with the territory.
I had one more entry, so I decided to use it then and there. Kinzie offered me the same seat opposite the psycho-killer, and I jumped at it. The advertising paid off. I was able to build my stack up when I quit bluffing so much, and I got action when I had good hands. I eliminated Bobby, a former player of year winner. He had raised pre-flop from under the gun, and I smooth called with pocket 9’s. When the board showed Ace-2-2-3 on the turn, he moved all-in after checking the flop. The blinds were 1200-1200-600, and his stack was dwindling. I decided there were many hands he could have raised with, because it was costing 3,000 a round to cover the blinds, and his blinds were next hand, and the next round of blinds would eat up his stack. Thus, I concluded he didn’t have an Ace or deuce, but there were numerous hands he could have that were worse than 9’s. So, I called, and he showed 6’s. I knocked him out.
Later, I made a mistake thinking I was on the button when I was really in the small blind. I raised with 9-10 suited. “Oops” A ten flopped so I bet 6,000 out of my 33,000 stack. Psycho-killer called after everyone folded. I was hoping she was on a draw. When the draw missed, I bet 7,000. Psycho-killer moved all-in. I had to fold. I wasn’t going to let her kill me twice in one day. She confessed she had Jack-10, but I survived. Later, we were moved to another table. She was in seat 8 and I was in seat 9. I had rebuilt my stack, and we were fairly even. And she would make me pay for my mistake earlier when I yet again had pocket Aces. We were heads-up in the blinds. She called from the small blind. I don’t look at my hole cards until the action is to me when I’m in the large blind, so as to not give any clues as to what cards I possess. Everyone else had folded , so it was just me and Alice. I looked down and beheld pocket Aces. I raised to 6,000 with the blinds 2,000-2,000-1,000 with 10 players left. She folded to my disappointment and revealed her 3-6 off-suit, so I showed my aces. I chuckled and said, “Good thing they weren’t suited, or you would have been in there.”
“Damn right,” she said.
“I’m glad you folded. You probably would have won,” I remarked.
Now I wonder if I was wrong to criticize her playing the 6-3 earlier. They say it’s wrong to school the players your up against, and I was guilty of doing just that.
Soon, we we got down to 9 players, and we were all moved to table 20, where Alice’s husband, Phil was antagonizing his opponents, having been assigned that table for much of the day. We were all reassigned seats. Phil had drawn seat 2, I had 5, and Psycho-killer Alice had seat 6. There would be no escape for me from the psycho-killer. The format of the tournament was that we would play til the end of level 10, and then return on Sunday to finish the tournament. Kinzie was telling us a trip to day 2 meant you were in the money, but Jeremy the dealer, who’s so proud that I have a ghost named Jeremy in The Trained Ghost Gimmick did not concur with Kinzie, but then again he doesn’t concur with me about his pride at having ghost named Jeremy in my book. Phil played as slow as he possibly could waiting for level 10 to end. When level 10 ended, they counted our chips, and put them in a plastic bag. I ended up with 44,500. Marine Mark ended up at 45,000, and Psycho-killer Alice ended up around 36,000. How fabulous, I survived the Psycho-killer.
I have a new book coming out called The Lost Art of Bloodletting. It’s a vampire book. On the cover is a charming, redheaded vampire, Atticus, that resembles the poker dealer named X who deals at the Greyhound Track. Behind the Atticus is the scary vampire, Philanescu, who Atticus once called Phil. Thus I find it interesting that I have a vampire named Phil and a character named James Collins in that book. One of my pictures on my web-page is of me sitting at coffee shop in Savannah, Georgia called Collins Quarters. The vampire book takes place in 18th century Savannah. I wrote this book before I met Phil and Alice. The main character of the vampire book is named William. Both Collinses have eliminated me from tournaments past, and so has a tournament regular named William. So let me conclude by saying William, Collins, and Collins oh my, because I expect to see all three on Sunday, but at least I survived the Psycho-killer on Tuesday, but the bigger question is, will they survive me.